Have you ever struggled for something and failed? How did you respond? Have you experienced a feeling of disappointment and dissatisfaction of yourself?

Failure is not easy to cope with. It is a difficult enough experience when it occurs because of circumstances beyond of one’s control. When failure occurs because of very controllable factors, because of a personal miscalculation, an under- or overestimation, the guilt feelings become debilitating. Fortunately, like all raw and basic emotions, guilt has the potential of generating great levels of energy which enable an upward shift in one’s personal development. 

My first truly humbling experience of this sort was in 1997, when I took the entrance exam for the University of Philology and Foreign Languages in Bucharest Romania. Higher education has always been very important to me and became even more of a challenge because I could not truly afford it when I finished high school. I did not even try the first year, but I decided to study and take my chances one year later. Studying away from my home town became feasible because my sister applied too and we could share the living expenses. I had almost abandoned the hope of studying any time soon when my sister’s decision and my grandfather promise of some support made our dream possible.

I decided to quit the ridiculous job I had and concentrate on my preparation for the entrance exam.  The subjects tested were Romanian, French and English literature and grammar. Soon I realized that not being employed at all meant not having even the low income I used to earn, thus making me even more desperate and depressed. I also realized that it would be a good idea to take some private tuition in French grammar, as the exam for this subject was the most difficult.  I decided to take a part time job as a private tutor for a secondary school boy in order to pay for my French tuition. I also extensively studied on my own for Romanian grammar and literature. I paid little attention to English as I believed that it was my second nature… Why, I listened to and sang English songs and watched English movies every day!

Surely enough, the exam week came. I will only say that my hard work at Romanian and French paid off. My results were 9.8 in Romanian, 8.7 in French and only 6.9 out of 10 in English. I was the third failed person on the list. I was flabbergasted with shame. My family and friends urged me to appeal since this was a very common practice for the university entrance exams. I vehemently refused. I was already too ashamed with my lack of preparation to give up my integrity as well and claim special treatment. Instead, I decided to study harder for the next year’s exam and honorably gain my right to a place in that university classroom.

This experience taught me a very valuable lesson. Every step of the preparation for an important challenge is vital. It taught me that every missed class, every wasted moment will definitely have a detrimental effect in the future. When studying becomes too tedious and I am tempted to be superficial, I remember the strong bouts of self blame I felt back then. I remember the shame towards myself and the people whose opinions I cherished. That memory magically increases my motivation every time.

Otilia Bujor